I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
