Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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