So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
