I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
