i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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