I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
