I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
