I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
