So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize