i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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