I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
