so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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