who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
