I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
