Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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