literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
