i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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