Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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