Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We had sex on a dog bed..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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