i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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