Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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