so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
