I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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