Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
