video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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