oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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