True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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