the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
