If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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