if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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