The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
