wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
