I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
