The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
