just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
home. puking in laundry basket.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
