You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize