A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
