my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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