Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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