Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
