i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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