Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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