He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
