I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
