the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize