I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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