Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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