So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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