totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize