but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize