i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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