im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize