I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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