I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
