Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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