Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
