chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
